So I was supposed to go on a date yesterday.
This was to be my first ever ‘first date’. I am 26.
I’d built up the courage to finally meet someone I didn’t know. I was so proud of myself that even though I was nervous (I turned up to lectures an hour early and missed stops on the bus which I NEVER do), I had every intention of showing up and making an effort. I even shaved my legs for the first time in like three weeks.
And then the day of, he cancelled.
He said he woke up feeling sick (oh and “sorry, but it’s raining anyway so I guess I don’t feel so bad now”).
I want to believe him. I want to believe he was genuinely ill but I just can’t. I trust literally zero people on this planet. I have been surrounded by abusers, manipulators, narcissists and users my whole life and at this point I have no reason to believe that there is anyone good left.
How am I supposed to have any kind of relationship with anyone when I believe that nobody is trustworthy? I know it’s not the ‘right’ thing to think but as much as I may be aware of that, I can’t just choose to believe something else.
At every turn, people are disappointing. I can’t trust that people will be nice, that they won’t lie, or cheat. I can’t trust that people are going to treat me right, or treat anyone else right. I can’t trust people to be who they say they are, or to do what they say they will.
I so badly need to meet someone I trust but I really don’t believe it’s going to happen, because so far, I haven’t.