Trust is Earned, but I am So Poor.

So I was supposed to go on a date yesterday.

This was to be my first ever ‘first date’. I am 26.

I’d built up the courage to finally meet someone I didn’t know. I was so proud of myself that even though I was nervous (I turned up to lectures an hour early and missed stops on the bus which I NEVER do), I had every intention of showing up and making an effort. I even shaved my legs for the first time in like three weeks.

And then the day of, he cancelled.

He said he woke up feeling sick (oh and “sorry, but it’s raining anyway so I guess I don’t feel so bad now”).

I want to believe him. I want to believe he was genuinely ill but I just can’t. I trust literally zero people on this planet. I have been surrounded by abusers, manipulators, narcissists and users my whole life and at this point I have no reason to believe that there is anyone good left.

How am I supposed to have any kind of relationship with anyone when I believe that nobody is trustworthy? I know it’s not the ‘right’ thing to think but as much as I may be aware of that, I can’t just choose to believe something else.

At every turn, people are disappointing. I can’t trust that people will be nice, that they won’t lie, or cheat. I can’t trust that people are going to treat me right, or treat anyone else right. I can’t trust people to be who they say they are, or to do what they say they will.

I so badly need to meet someone I trust but I really don’t believe it’s going to happen, because so far, I haven’t.



A letter I will never send.

I still miss you. Every Day.
I wish I could say something that could change everything, or that could suspend us in the short time we had. I wish, but there are no words or actions that could bring us back together.
I wonder how often your thoughts drift to me. I wonder if I am in your head as much as you are in mine. I can only hope. I think that perhaps since you have something to fill your time and the space in your mind, that I do not appear to you as much as I would like.
I have been spoiled by you. I can’t find the energy to pretend that anyone else interests me the way you did. I can’t fake a connection like we had, and I can’t imagine ever having one like it with anyone else. You made me feel like I was worth so much. It didn’t seem so absurd that someone could love me the way I thought you did. It felt like I could achieve everything I’d ever aimed for, with you there. I know that love is something that can come to people more than once, but I don’t believe that it will ever be as strong, or as important as it was with you.
Even though the other side of the bed was always empty, it feels even more so now. I keep looking at the spaces that I thought would be yours, hoping that one day you will fill them. Hoping that I will see your car outside my house and that you would tell me you changed your mind.
I don’t know what to do with myself any more. I have no direction or purpose. I cannot exist for myself alone. I only feel right when I feel needed. Who wants to keep someone they don’t need? I lost you because you didn’t need me. I thought I was fulfilling something for you. But it was something you already had, you just thought it might have been better coming from me. I suppose I gave you no reason to keep me. Nothing to make me more special than anyone else. But that’s always me; middle of the road. Average in every possible way.
I’m not sure I’ve ever been this sad before. I can’t stop being sad. Sad for myself, so alone and unable to bring myself back to where I was. I’m stuck, and I have nowhere to reach for. If I had a destination I would aim for it, but why move, when there’s nowhere to go?
I spend every day acting the part, being who everyone expects me to be. Until I get home and I can relax. People don’t want to deal with anyone who’s sad. Every day, I wake up, put on the mask that say’s “I am ok. I am always ok.” Then I get home and I can’t even hold myself up.
And I am sad for you, and worried. Worried that you will never get out and that you will be an old man, filled with regret, sorry that you never took that chance.
I know what I should be doing. I should stop thinking of you as the perfect match, and try to think of the negatives. I’ve tried. The problem with that is, there is enough good to even out the bad, and then some. The things that may bother me mean nothing when compared to the things that make you the improbable human that you are. I know you will never come back, and I know there is a good chance I will never see you again. It breaks my heart every time I have to remind myself, but I can’t fool myself. You’re gone,
and that’s it. That’s all.

Be good. I love you.

Hallelujah, I’ve been saved by no one again.

You may have noticed by now that I am not a very grown up grown-up. I still don’t know how to remove water spots from glass, or really which type of cleaner I should be using for any given surface. I don’t have a clue how to invest in anything (do you do this online? someone tell me please). Sometimes I have toast for dinner. Oh, and I can’t drive.

My mother just visited for the week, and it was great, in that I could just be a kid again. I got driven around, had dinner bought or cooked for me, she de-boned a chicken because she knew I wouldn’t want to, she even made me some pyjamas. Honestly, mums are great. But I’ve never been particularly open with mine. We get on well, and we laugh about some pretty stupid shite, but I’ve always felt like we’ve never really known each other.

Our conversations are limited to what we are doing in our work lives at that point in time, where the cat is and what she’s doing, or what we’re going to have for dinner. There aren’t really any opportunities for bigger talk. Anything that treads vaguely into that territory is swiftly pulled back by the neck into safer realms. I don’t particularly have a problem with this, being that she is my mother, but it’d be nice if I had anyone else who was willing to omit the small talk.

I get that everyone else is also a mess and sometimes has toast for dinner, but that doesn’t help me feel any less lost in life. I still go home to an empty life house, where as soon as I walk in, I’m already frozen, staring wistfully into the middle distance thinking “well what the fuck do I do now?” I have no one to go home to at the end of the day, and why would I, when there’s nobody willing to come home to me?

Right now, all of my friends are overseas, working when I am not, or on my list of “not currently talking to…” (mostly the latter). This makes life a little hard, when all you really want is some meaningful human interaction. I have this stupid thought in my head telling me that pushing people away is the right thing to do, because they’ll only leave anyway. I’m doing us both a favour and saving time. And even though I know it’s a dumb thought, I agree with it anyway. Literally no one is going to be with you your whole life, so why try? Why be upset that you don’t get tagged in memes because nothing reminds people of you, when you can just choose not to have friends?

It seems the thing I need to do, is to stop being so guarded and closed off from literally everyone. It’s not really protecting yourself when it’s causing the harm, right? Chances are I’m not going to listen to myself, I’ll probably just continue to think of excuses to drive myself further towards hermit-hood. I’ve lost friends, and gained nothing, really.

Now I just have a wishbone sitting on my windowsill and no one to pull it with.

People who are Dicks; The General Public: Part 1

To the people who have, for some stupid fucking reason, attached speakers to the front of their cars and or bicycles; Why. The. Fuck. Do you honestly think that blaring your music out the front of your vehicle is going to make it sound any better? And do you think the rest of us want to hear it? I couldn’t give two shits if you’re blasting rap or fucking Enya, I don’t want to hear it. Especially not in the middle of the night. You’re a dick.

I could write an entire essay on dicks on the bus but this one is for people with bags. Sure, you can take a seat, and sure, you can carry a bag with you, but if the bus is full, then why is your bag taking up an entire seat next to you? I would get it if it was a massive bag, but then I would also question why it isn’t in that little area where you put things like suitcases. But a little tote bag? a whole seat? I’ve seen one girl, sat on an aisle seat, decide to take up the seat across the aisle from her. WHY. You’re a dick.

To people who sit in the middle of benches. What’s your aim here? Do you want to inconvenience people who are looking for a spot to rest, eat lunch or just sit and look at whatever shit you’re currently looking at? Or are you so fucking lonely that you’ve placed yourself in a position where, should someone choose to sit down, they’re so needlessly close to you that you can probably figure out the exact ingredients their breakfast was made of just be the smell of their breath? Either way, this behaviour screams “I am the centre of the universe and also super important“. You’re a dick.