You may have noticed by now that I am not a very grown up grown-up. I still don’t know how to remove water spots from glass, or really which type of cleaner I should be using for any given surface. I don’t have a clue how to invest in anything (do you do this online? someone tell me please). Sometimes I have toast for dinner. Oh, and I can’t drive.
My mother just visited for the week, and it was great, in that I could just be a kid again. I got driven around, had dinner bought or cooked for me, she de-boned a chicken because she knew I wouldn’t want to, she even made me some pyjamas. Honestly, mums are great. But I’ve never been particularly open with mine. We get on well, and we laugh about some pretty stupid shite, but I’ve always felt like we’ve never really known each other.
Our conversations are limited to what we are doing in our work lives at that point in time, where the cat is and what she’s doing, or what we’re going to have for dinner. There aren’t really any opportunities for bigger talk. Anything that treads vaguely into that territory is swiftly pulled back by the neck into safer realms. I don’t particularly have a problem with this, being that she is my mother, but it’d be nice if I had anyone else who was willing to omit the small talk.
I get that everyone else is also a mess and sometimes has toast for dinner, but that doesn’t help me feel any less lost in life. I still go home to an empty
life house, where as soon as I walk in, I’m already frozen, staring wistfully into the middle distance thinking “well what the fuck do I do now?” I have no one to go home to at the end of the day, and why would I, when there’s nobody willing to come home to me?
Right now, all of my friends are overseas, working when I am not, or on my list of “not currently talking to…” (mostly the latter). This makes life a little hard, when all you really want is some meaningful human interaction. I have this stupid thought in my head telling me that pushing people away is the right thing to do, because they’ll only leave anyway. I’m doing us both a favour and saving time. And even though I know it’s a dumb thought, I agree with it anyway. Literally no one is going to be with you your whole life, so why try? Why be upset that you don’t get tagged in memes because nothing reminds people of you, when you can just choose not to have friends?
It seems the thing I need to do, is to stop being so guarded and closed off from literally everyone. It’s not really protecting yourself when it’s causing the harm, right? Chances are I’m not going to listen to myself, I’ll probably just continue to think of excuses to drive myself further towards hermit-hood. I’ve lost friends, and gained nothing, really.
Now I just have a wishbone sitting on my windowsill and no one to pull it with.